Alliance Personnel File: LCDR SHEPARD, J
by FluffyCannibal
Summary: Shepard survived the Crucible. These are the Alliance files charting his time spent recovering in hospital. COMEDY, not to be taken too seriously. **WARNING** Shepard has hacked my account and is replying to all reviews. Proceed with caution.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **_These are in no particular order. Facebook owns Facebook, Twitter owns Twitter, Bioware owns everything else, I'm just playing with their toys. Apologies for any inconsistencies or spelling mistakes, trying to write this on my phone!_

**SUBJECT: LCDR SHEPARD, J.**

Files related to subject's recovery in Kings College Hospital (KCH), London, as requested by ADM HACKETT, S.

**INCLUDES**: Subject's Extranet Log, Subject's Extranet Messages, Security Logs pertaining to Subject, Subject's Requisition Orders, Subject's Medical Files, Miscellaneous Files pertaining to Subject

**Alliance Security Log 26742.A-32**

Complaint of sexual harassment against LCDR SHEPARD, J.

Alleged victim: Nurse PARKER, C.

Complainant alleges that LCDR SHEPARD, J. inappropriately touched her buttocks after bending over to retrieve cutlery items dropped by Shepard. Claims that this is not the first instance of this occurring.

UPDATE: Case cannot be investigated further due to lack of evidence and LCDR SHEPARD J.'s SPECTRE status.

CASE STATUS: Closed, Unresolved.

**ALLIANCE REQUISITION ORDER 7624578**

From: LCDR SHEPARD, J.

Dispatch Location: KCH, London

Item(s): Chocolate, 2kg

Reason: I saved the galaxy three times. I deserve a treat.

-REQUEST DENIED. AUTH: R.O. 531 REASON: Unnecessary

-REQUEST HELD

-REQUEST APPROVED. AUTH: ADM HACKETT, S.

**Alliance Security Log 26956.A-84**

Complaint of Aggravating Behaviour

Complainant: KCH London Administration Board

KCH allege that patient LCDR SHEPARD, J. hacked into hospital P.A. system and played 'Knockin' On Heaven's Door' by vintage band Guns N Roses repeatedly, to all wards. This caused severe discomfort and anguish to many patients and visitors and led to multiple complaints to hospital staff.

UPDATE: Source of hacking confirmed to be LCDR SHEPARD, J.

UPDATE: LCDR SHEPARD, J. has been interviewed and ordered to apologise.

CASE STATUS: Closed, Resolved.

CASE RE-OPENED.

UPDATE: LCDR SHEPARD, J. 'apologised' by again hacking the KCH P.A. system and playing 'I'm Not Sorry' by vintage band The Pigeon Detectives followed by a looped sample of 'Killing In The Name' by vintage band Rage Against The Machine, containing the lyrics "F*** you, I won't do what you tell me". This led to multiple complaints to KCH staff.

UPDATE: LCDR SHEPARD, J. cannot be interviewed. Is suffering from severe headaches.

UPDATE: KCH doctors have informed Alliance Security that LCDR SHEPARD, J.'s headaches only occur within the presence of Alliance Security staff.

UPDATE: LCDR SHEPARD, J. has been interviewed in spite of 'severe headaches' and has issued a formal written apology, forwarded to KCH admin, to be in turn forwarded to all staff and patients. Message had to be edited to remove several cleverly hidden swear words.

CASE STATUS: Closed, Resolved.

**ALLIANCE REQUISITION ORDER 7752904**

From: LCDR SHEPARD, J.

Dispatch Location: SSV LISBON

Item(s): Flowers, White Roses, 12 - Chocolate, 0.2 kg Reason: Mom's birthday.

-REQUEST DENIED. AUTH: R.O. 432 REASON: Unnecessary

-REQUEST HELD

-REQUEST APPROVED. AUTH: RADM SHEPARD, H.

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: Shepard, H.

To: Shepard, J.

Subj: Thank you

Thanks honey, but don't abuse Alliance resources like that.

Mom

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: Shepard, J.

To: Shepard, H.

Subj: RE: Thank you

You approved it. Now who's abusing Alliance resources?

Your Favourite Son

**EXTRANET LOG, LCDR SHEPARD, J. WEEK ENDING 2186-8-23**

•Facebook - 32 visits

•Twitter - 16 visits

•Asari SexTube - 383 attempted visits - blocked by KCH firewalls

•Shepard Fans Unite - 97 visits

•Shepard Slash Forum - 1 visit *See Security Log 31346.C-21*

•LIARA T'SONI NUDENUDENUDE - 954 attempted visits - blocked by KCH firewalls

**Alliance Security Log 31346.C-21**

Complaint of hacking attempts alleged against LCDR SHEPARD, J.

Complainant: SCHWARZKOPFF, K., proprietor of Shepard Slash Forum

Complainant accuses LCDR SHEPARD, J. of hacking into, and attempting to close, their extranet forum, dedicated to homosexual erotica stories about Shepard.

UPDATE: LCDR SHEPARD, J. has admitted to hacking attempts. Claims to find the stories offensive based on 'factual inaccuracies'. Upon being asked if he was homophobic, he replied that he was only offended by several stories portraying MAJ ALENKO, K. as having a larger penis.

UPDATE: LCDR SHEPARD has agreed to refrain from hacking the site further. Site proprietor has agreed to change rules so that from now on, all stories have to portray Shepard as having a larger penis than anyone else.

CASE STATUS: Closed, Resolved.

**Alliance Security Log 31547.B-21**

Missing Person Report

Subject: LCDR SHEPARD, J.

Location: KCH, London Patient reported missing from hospital room.

UPDATE: Subject found at nearby fast food franchise. Attacked five members of Alliance Security sent to retrieve him. Found to be in possession of Omni-Tool containing Tactical Cloak program. Claims reason for disappearance as 'Bad hospital food'. Was eventually removed by volunteer krogan squad. Subject repeatedly sang 'I Want To Break Free'.

UPDATE: Omni-Tool confiscated. Subject banned from being in possession of Omni-Tools until further notice. Subject returned to hospital. Hospital security review pending.

CASE STATUS: Closed, Resolved.

**A/N **_Congrats on making it this far. Please review, any feedback is appreciated. Also, yes I know its extremely unlikely that it would take a squad of krogan to get a sick Shepard back in to hospital, but it took a two billion year old supercomputer to put him there in the first place!_


	2. Chapter 2

**Alliance Security Log 23572.A-12**

Multiple complaints from KCH London staff that LCDR SHEPARD, J.'s hospital room is 'haunted'. Staff cite doors opening and closing of their own accord, a female voice heard whispering, and three doctors report feeling their biceps and buttocks being squeezed by an unknown presence.

CASE STATUS: Open, Unresolved.

**Alliance Security Log 23691.E-27**

LCDR SHEPARD, J. found to be in possession of an Omni-Tool despite being banned. Omni-Tool confiscated.

CASE STATUS: Closed, Resolved.

**Alliance Security Log 23711.A-64**

Theft report

Location: KCH London, room inhabited by patient LCDR SHEPARD, J.

Items stolen: 1 defibrillator, 10 x Medi-Gel, 1 Vid monitor, 3 x Doctor's wallets, 1 Doctor's uniform (while still being worn by the doctor), Several miscellaneous medical tools

All items were stolen within 36 hours. None were found in the possession of LCDR SHEPARD, J. afterwards. The three walkers belonged to the same three doctors who complained of being touched by an unknown presence in the room in a previous report. The stolen uniform also belonged to one of these doctors. He claims that the same unknown presence stole it, leaving him almost naked.

UPDATE: The three stolen wallets have been recovered. They "materialised" in front of a hospital receptionist the following day. All contents are still inside the wallets, with the exception of the doctor's driving licenses.

CASE STATUS: Closed, Partially Resolved.

**Alliance Security Log 23849.C-44**

LCDR SHEPARD, J. found to be in possession of 2 further Omni-Tools. Omni-Tools confiscated. Security review into how they were acquired is pending.

CASE STATUS: Closed, Resolved.

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: HACKETT, S.

To: Alliance Security

Subj: Shepard

I want you to cross reference the dates and times of the recent strange occurances in Shepard's hospital room with the shifts Ms. Kasumi Goto has been working in the clear up operations.

Hackett

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: Alliance Security

To: HACKETT, S.

Subj: RE: Shepard

All events have begun to occur within one hour of Ms. Goto's shifts ending. Would you like us to apprehend her?

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: HACKETT, S.

To: Alliance Security

Subj: RE: Shepard

No. You'd never catch her.

Hackett.

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

To: GOTO, K.

From: HACKETT, S.

Subj: Ghosts

I hear Shepard's room is haunted. His antics are already giving me enough stress, keep it to a minimum. And sexual misconduct against three doctors? I take it you're over Jacob Taylor then.

Hackett

**Alliance Security Log 24002.B-42**

Missing Person Report

Subject: LCDR SHEPARD, J.

Location: KCH London

Subject reported missing from hospital room. The words "Screw you Admiral. Sincerely, A. Ghost" were found scrawled across the bed sheets.

UPDATE: Alliance Security have been contacted by LCDR SHEPARD, J. assuring of his well being. Refuses to go back to hospital, or disclose his current location.

UPDATE: Subject found, drunk and passed out on the floor of an Irish pub. Two Alliance Security personel sent to retrieve him report hearing a disembodied female voice and feeling their buttocks being groped.

UPDATE: Upon arriving back at KCH, LCDR SHEPARD, J. woke and punched an Alliance Security officer.

UPDATE: Further security reviews involving LCDR SHEPARD, J. pending. Several hidden audio and visual bugs have been placed in his room.

CASE STATUS: Closed, Resolved.


	3. Chapter 3

**ALLIANCE REQUISITION ORDER 7793486**

From: LCDR SHEPARD, J.

Dispatch Location: KCH London

Item(s): Fornax Magazine, Issue #412-419

Reason: Hospitals are boring. I need asari porn. Maybe a bit of turian too.

-REQUEST DENIED. AUTH: R.O. 165 REASON: Unnecessary

-REQUEST HELD

-REQUEST APPROVED. AUTH: ADM HACKETT, S.

-REQUEST HELD

-REQUEST DENIED. AUTH: ALLIANCE SECURITY REASON: Hacked codes. See Alliance Security Log 31958.B-02 attached

-REQUEST APPROVED. AUTH: ADM HACKETT, S.

**Alliance Security Log 31958.B-02**

ADM HACKETT S.'s security codes have been hacked and used for approving requisition orders.

UPDATE: Hack source confirmed to be LCDR SHEPARD, J.

UPDATE: Attached Extranet Message

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: ADM HACKETT, S. ALTERNATIVE ACCOUNT

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: Hacking

If you're going to hack my authorisation codes, you could do something a bit more useful than order yourself porn.

Hackett

**ALLIANCE REQUISITION ORDER 7793497**

From: ADM HACKETT, S. ALTERNATIVE ACCOUNT

Dispatch Location: Alliance Command, Vancouver

Item(s): Voluptuous Vorcha Monthly, the Galaxy's #1 source for vorcha erotica! , 20,000 copies

Reason: VORCHA PORN FOR THE MASSES!

-REQUEST APPROVED. AUTOMATIC CLEARANCE.

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: ADM HACKETT, S.

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: Touche

I get the hint Shepard. Enjoy your nude asari.

Hackett

**Alliance Security Log 32354.D-75**

Multiple complaints of sexual harassment lodged against LCDR SHEPARD, J.

Alleged Victim: Multiple nurses from KCH London

Multiple nurses have made complaints that LCDR SHEPARD, J. is demanding up to 10 sponge baths a day, ordering nurses to pay extra attention to his 'special place'.

UPDATE: LCDR SHEPARD, J. has been interviewed and ordered to apologise.

UPDATE: KCH London has informed Alliance Security that from now on, LCDR SHEPARD, J. will only be cared for by male nurses, as all complaints of sexual harassment made against LCDR SHEPARD, J. thus far have been by women.

CASE STATUS: Closed, Resolved.

CASE RE-OPENED

UPDATE: LCDR SHEPARD, J. apologised by sending each complainant a card declaring "I'm Sorry", with a nude picture of Shepard on the front. Complainants are furious and considering a civil lawsuit.

UPDATE: LCDR SHEPARD, J. has reached a private settlement with each complainant.

CASE STATUS: Closed, Resolved.

CASE RE-OPENED

UPDATE: Multiple male nurses have lodged similar complaints against LCDR SHEPARD, J.. Shepard has been issued with a formal warning.

CASE STATUS: Closed, Resolved.

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: SHEPARD, J.

To: ALENKO, K. ; VAKARIAN, G. T'SONI, L.

Subj: Captain Fluffling

Who's feeding the space hamster? I swear to God/The Spirits/The Goddesses/Morgan Freeman that if you get back here and Captain Fluffling is dead I'm going to tear your reproductive organs off and choke you with them. Also, I have hot nurses. And chocolate. I need whiskey...

Commander Awesome

P.S. Check the Aquarium VI is stocked. Don't want Sargeant Paddlefish and his Privates (ha ha, privates!) starving.

**ALLIANCE REQUISITION ORDER 7934104**

From: LCDR SHEPARD, J.

Dispatch Location: KCH, London

Item(s): Jack Daniels, 1 litre x 3

Reason: Lets get drunk, bitches!

-REQUEST DENIED. AUTH: R.O. 846 REASON: Unnecessary

-REQUEST HELD

-REQUEST APPROVED. AUTH: ADM HACKETT, S.


	4. Chapter 4

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: WREX, U.

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: Whiskey

I hear you have whiskey. I have Ryncol. I'm coming to visit.

Wrex

**Alliance Security Log 34751.C-51**

Disturbance

Location: KCH London

Hospital security staff report the presence of a hostile krogan attempting to gain access to a secure ward.

UPDATE: Krogan identified as WREX, URDNOT. Hospital security failed to properly check his security clearance. Allowed access by Alliance Security officers. Hospital security staff treated for various broken bones.

CASE STATUS: Closed, Resolved.

**Alliance Security Log**

***VISUAL FILE***

ERROR: Video equipment hacked. Video shows only a still of male buttocks, presumed to belong to LCDR SHEPARD, J.

***AUDIO FILE***

TRANSCRIPT

"Shepard!"

"Wrex!"

"Shepard!"

"Wrex"

*Conversation continues in the same manner for 2:34*

"Anyway. I got the Ryncol. You save me some whiskey?"

"Hell yeah. You want a glass?"

"Krogan don't need glasses! I'll just drink it out the bottle."

"How's the clean up going?"

"OK. Would be better if some moron hadn't gome and blown up the Citadel!"

"Shut it. You owe me."

"We've been through this before. I'm the one giving you the moral support to get through it all! And I've generously forwarded your breeding requests to you. You got a ton after, y'know, saving the galaxy and all. Again. With my moral support."

"You can keep those breeding requests."

"Scared of a few krogan women? You humans, too squishy."

"How's the genital friction burns? I remember a certain krogan king complaining that he can't take all the sex any more."

"Shut it. Now, Grunt's outside, we're breaking you out. Hmmph."

*Sound of glass breaking, followed by a human male screaming and a krogan male laughing.*

END OF RECORDING

**Alliance Security Log 32792.B-71**

Suspected kidnapping

Victim: LCDR SHEPARD, J.

Location: KCH London

After receiving a visit from WREX, U., LCDR SHEPARD, J. has gone missing from his room. The door to the room was not opened, a window inside the room was smashed.

UPDATE: LCDR SHEPARD, J. was seen by witnesses, running from the hospital building with two krogan. The three were reportedly shouting to passers by that there is a bomb within the hospital.

UPDATE: Scans by Alliance Marine Bomb Dispocal Unit shows no explosives within the hospital.

UPDATE: After reviewing audio files recorded from LCDR SHEPARD, J.'s room in the moments before his disappearance it has been concluded that Shepard left the hospital willingly.

CASE RE-CLASSIFIED: Missing person report.

UPDATE: Subject and two krogan seen near river bank, head butting each other.

UPDATE: Subject and two krogan seen defacing property (fixing posters advertising 'Salarian Liver Burgers' to fast food franchise walls on same street as STG EARTH HQ).

UPDATE: Subject and two krogan seen in video game arcade. LCDR SHEPARD, J. and the younger of the two krogan have had sexual misconduct complaints made against them after attempting to put their heads up the skirts of female patrons.

UPDATE: Conplaints received of two extremely intoxicated krogan accompanied by an intoxicated human causing trouble at a shopping centre approx. 1 mile from KCH.

UPDATE: Several reports of a minor fire at previously mentioned shopping centre.

UPDATE: Fire safely put out. One unconcious krogan found at scene. Confirmed to be GRUNT, U.. After being revived, he insisted that he will only disclose information as to LCDR SHEPARD, J.'s whereabouts to Blasto.

UPDATE: LCDR SHEPARD and krogan confirmed as WREX, U. found on the roof of an Alliance Administration building, throwing water balloons full of urine at passers by.

UPDATE: WREX, U. and LCDR SHEPARD, J. are refusing to give up their 'fortifications'.

UPDATE: WREX, U. and LCDR SHEPARD, J. descended into an argument over who would be the better superhero. Both have been restrained by N7 Heavy Strike squads and are being taken to KCH. WREX, U. requires treatment for severe burns and what appears to be human bite marks on his face.

CASE STATUS: Closed, Resolved.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N** Thanks for the awesome feedback. This fic was definitely the best idea I had today :)

**Alliance Security Log 32912.B-90**

Complaint of multiple extranet firewall hacking attempts

Complainant: KCH London Admin Board

Complainants allege that LCDR SHEPARD, J. has made multiple attempts to close the hospital's extranet firewall.

UPDATE: LCDR SHEPARD, J. admits to hacking. Claims his human rights are being breached by the firewall, in relation to it blocking pornography sites. Also claims it as prove of the admin board's "racism and xenophobia" as it blocks alien pornography.

UPDATE: Further hacking by LCDR SHEPARD, J.. KCH London's extranet site front page has been replaced with a pornography picture showing two humans engaged in sexual intercourse, edited to look like the two most senior members of the KCH Admin Board. They are considering civil lawsuits.

UPDATE: LCDR SHEPARD, J. has reached a private settlement with KCH Admin Board members.

CASE STATUS: Closed, Resolved.

CASE RE-OPENED

UPDATE: KCH London firewall was hacked again. 2TB of pornography material was downloaded to an extranet terminal in LCDR SHEPARD, J.'s room. Terminal was confiscated, found to contain nothing but 5TB of pictures of flowers and butterflies.

CASE STATUS: Closed, Resolved.

**EXTRANET DOWNLOAD LOG, LCDR SHEPARD, J.**

RECENT DOWNLOADS:

•LIARA T'SONI NUDENUDENUDE - Entire site

•Asari Matriarch Sex Party Vol. 1

•Asari Matriarch Sex Party Vol. 2

•Asari Matriarch Sex Party Vol. 3

•Turian Femme Fatale XXX

•Salarian Sex Union Vol. 1

•College Girls Gone Wild

•XTube Presents: Classics Remade: Deep Throat 3-D

•Hanar Elcor OrgyFest

-23 More Pages

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: Alliance Security

To: HACKETT, S.

Subj: FWD: Commander Shepard

-Original Sender: KCH London Administration Board

While it is an honour to be chosen to provide care for the great Commander Shepard, we here at the hospital are concerned as to the Commander's disruptive behaviour. As you know, he has hacked hospital systems numerous times and had multiple complaints of sexual misconduct and harassment made against him in addition to causing various security hazards. Just this afternoon he hacked our systems again and sent the hospital's entire supply of Viagra, labelled as sleeping pills, to the ward reserved for elderly patients. We have spent the entire afternoon attempting to treat the patients of that ward for exhaustion and friction burns. We are concerned as to how much longer we can continue to provide the Commander with free medical care, considering the various strains put on our staff and the number of lawsuits lodged against the hospital relating to Shepard's disruptive behaviour. While we don't want to have to transfer Shepard to another hospital, unfortunately it is something we have to consider.

Sincerely, Dr. D. Thorne, KCH London President.

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: HACKETT, S.

To: Alliance Security

Subj: Re: FWD: Commander Shepard

Transfer funds to KCH to further Shepard's treatment. Transfer Alliance Security personnel to the hospital to guard Shepard's room.

Hackett

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: SHEPARD, J.

To: LAWSON, M.

Subj: Tap dat

Just saw an anime movie of me and you getting it ON on ShepTube. Did you know they have a whole extranet site dedicated to porn of yours truly? Who am I kidding, bet you've got a subscription. I say we make the live action version. Give the fans what they want.

Commander Sexy

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: LAWSON, M.

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: In Your Dreams

Not on camera.

Miranda

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: HACKETT, S.

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: You are not a hanar

Honestly, Shepard? Referring to yourself as 'This One', praying to 'Enkindlers', telling your doctors you're Blasto's evil twin? I've already had to double their pay this month.

Hackett.

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: WREX, U.

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: Bite marks

What the hell did you bite me for? You'd better not have some weird human disease I don't already know about.

Wrex

P.S. I'd definitely make a better superhero than you, pyjack.


	6. Chapter 6

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: KCH London Administration Board

To: Alliance Security

Subj: Commander Shepard

Thankyou for your kind donation of staff to assist in providing security during Commander Shepard's stay with us. His behaviour has improved vastly.

Doctor D. Thorne, KCH London President

**FILE REVIEW REQUEST**

From: ADM HACKETT, S.

Subject: LCDR SHEPARD, J. \ Guard Detail \ CO

Reason: Suspiciously quiet behaviour

REQUEST APPROVED, AUTOMATIC APPROVAL

LCDR SHEPARD, J.

GUARD DETAIL: TIGER Squad Delta Two

ACTING C.O.: TEMP LT MASSANI, Z.

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: MASSANI, Z.

To: Multiple Recepients

Subj: Shepard

Right men, we've been assigned to protect Commander Shepard during his hospital stay. Or if I know Shepard, we've been assigned to protect every other bastard from him! While we're there, nothing - and I mean NOTHING - gets back to Command without my goddamn approval. Me and Shepard are gonna have some fun and if you're lucky, I'll save a few shots of whiskey for you at the end of each shift. Unless I drink it first.

Remember who's in charge

Z.

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: HACKETT, S.

To: Alliance Security

Subj: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

WHICH ONE OF YOU GENIUSES POSTED ZAEED MASSANI TO KCH TO WATCH SHEPARD? I WANT A SECURITY REVIEW. NOW!

**Alliance Security Log**

***AUDIO FILE***

PARTIAL TRANSCRIPT

"Quick ladies, in before the doctors see you"

*Sound of multiple women giggling*

"Why hey there, I'm Commander Shepard, and these are my favourite boobies in the galaxy"

*Sound of more giggling*

#INCOMPLETE TRANSCRIPTION. CONTAINS BEHAVIOUR OF A SEXUAL NATURE#

**Alliance Security Log**

***AUDIO FILE***

PARTIAL TRANSCRIPT

"Zaeed, pass me that grenade."

"Here ya go"

*Sound of object rolling along the floor, followed by crashing*

"STRIKE! Set the rifles...pins...whatever back up"

"Who knew grenades would make such good bowling balls?"

END OF PARTIAL TRANSCRIPT

**Alliance Security Log**

***AUDIO FILE***

TRANSCRIPT

"King Wrex, welcome to my palace"

"Shepard! Hey, Massani, looking soft around the edges."

"Speak for yourself big guy. Good to see you"

"Likewise. Now lets get this party started. I hear you have guns."

"Claymore good for you? Zaeed, set the bottles up."

*A few moments pass. Then a gunshot and the sound of glass breaking*

"Ha! Still got it."

"You hacked the vid bugs they set up in here, right?"

"Yeah, left the audio on though. Give them a taste of what they're missing."

"Turn it back on, give them a show! You don't see talent like this every day."

END OF RECORDING

**Alliance Security Log**

***VISUAL FILE***

SYNOPSIS

45 minutes of LCDR SHEPARD, J., WREX, U. and TEMP LT MASSANI, Z. drinking various alcoholic drinks, shooting empty bottles and playing a form of football using grenades.

**EXCERPT FROM KCH MEDICAL FILE**

Patient SHEP.11042154.R2D2

Doctor I.D. Peters-214

Patient has injuries consistent with being hit in the face with a large solid object. Doctors experience suggests a shotgun. Further examination shows a scratch on patient's arm closely resembling that of a krogan. Injuries are unhealed and were not present during previous examination 12 hours ago. Patient also found to have a mild case of alcohol poisoning.

**LIST OF ITEMS CONFISCATED FROM LCDR SHEPARD, J.**

•20 x Inferno Grenade

•1 x Claymore shotgun

•1 x Widow sniper rifle

•3 x M-8 Avenger assault rifle

•2 x M-7 Lancer Assault Rifle

•4 x Omni-Tool

•15 x Frag Grenade

•Multiple high-level ammo mods

•Hidden case containing several pairs of women's underwear with what appear to be the owners names and contact details written on them

•2 x box of Cuban cigars

•7 x crate of beer

•5 x Ryncol, 1.7 litre

•1 x live varren


	7. Chapter 7

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: HACKETT, S.

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: Normandy

The Normandy is due to land in Vancouver tomorrow afternoon.

Hackett.

**ALLIANCE REQUISITION ORDER 8000134**

From: LCDR SHEPARD, J.

Dispatch Location: Alliance Command Vancouver Docks / SSV Normandy SR-2

Item(s): Kama Sutra: Female Edition, Book, 1 copy (Marked To CHAKWAS, K.) - Kama Sutra: Male Edition, Book, 1 copy (Marked To LT ADAMS, G.) - Maple Syrup, 4.55 litres (Marked To MAJ ALENKO, K.) - Fornax Magazine Issue #424 (Marked To FLT MOREAU, J) - Blasto: The Complete Box Set (Marked To JAVIK) - James Vega Unofficial Action Figure (Marked To LT VEGA, J.) - The Art Of Calibration, book, 1 copy (Marked To VAKARIAN, G.) - Dextro Chocolate Body Paint, 0.5 litre (Marked To VAS NORMANDY, T.) - Unofficial SSV Normandy Chess Set (Marked To SPEC TRAYNOR, S.) - I Am KROGAN!, Book, 1 copy (Marked To T'SONI, L.) - Shepard v Al Jilani : The Showdown-The Raw Footage!, Vid, 1 copy (Marked To ALLERS, D.) - 1 Year Membership Card, RainbowMatch Extranet Dating Site (Marked To LT CORTEZ, S.) - Champagne, 1 Case - Space Hamster Deluxe Nibbles, 0.01kg (Marked To CAPT FLUFFLING *ERROR PERSONNEL UNKOWN*) - FishyMix Gold, 0.01kg (Marked To SRG PADDLEFISH *ERROR PERSONNEL UNKNOWN*)

Reason: Welcome back presents for my bitches

-REQUEST DENIED. AUTH: R.O. 629 REASON: Unnecessary

-REQUEST HELD

-REQUEST APPROVED. AUTH: ADM HACKETT, S.

**Alliance Security Log**

***VISUAL FILE***

SYNOPSIS

*LCDR SHEPARD, J. [J.S.] is being treated to by Nurse HARRIS, A.)*

J.S. "Before you leave, how about we play soldiers? I'll lie down and you can blow me-"

*RADM SHEPARD, H. [H.S.] has entered the room*

H.S. "JOHN WILLIAM SHEPARD, WHAT DID YOU JUST TO THAT POOR YOUNG WOMAN?!"

J.S. "Mom?!"

H.S. "Apologise now or we'll both regret the day you were born!"

J.S. "I'm very sorry."

*Nurse HARRIS, A. nods and leaves the room*

H.S. "I"

J.S. "Ow!"

H.S. "Did"

J.S. "Ow!"

H.S. "Not Raise You"

J.S. "Ow!"

H.S. "To talk"

J.S. "Ow!"

H.S. "To women"

J.S. "Mom!"

H.S. "Like that!"

J.S. "Stop hitting me with your purse!"

H.S. "I gave birth to you, I can damn well hit you with whatever I want!"

J.S. "Ow..ow..OW! MOMMY!"

H.S. "So, honey, how have you been?"

* H.S. sits down. General conversation ensues for approx. 1 hour *

H.S. I should go.

*J.S. stands and hugs H.S.. H.S. kicks J.S. in the genitals*

H.S. "Remember that the next time you decide to harass your carers."

*H.S. leaves*

**ALLIANCE REQUISITION ORDER 8000711**

From: LCDR SHEPARD, J.

Dispatch Location: KCH London

Item(s): Male Protective Sports Cup, Large

Reason: So I don't lose my ability to reproduce the next time my mom visits.

-REQUEST APPROVED. AUTH: R.O.118

-REQUEST HELD

-REQUEST DENIED. AUTH: RADM SHEPARD, H.

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: SHEPARD, H.

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: Nice Try

Behave yourself. And why in creation did you order a large? That would be far too big.

Love, Mom


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N- **_This chapter is dedicated to the memory of my friend Jay, who despite biting my neck and nearly pulling my nipple off last night, is sadly still with us._

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: ALENKO, K.

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: Thanks, I guess

Thanks, and I know it's the thought that counts, but what am I meant to do with a gallon of maple syrup?

Kaidan

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: SHEPARD, J.

To: ALENKO, K.

Subj: RE: Thanks, I guess

Pour it over Liara and lick it off?

Master Chief

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: JAVIK

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: Your Gift

I find this gift foolish. I am informed by the asari that I am obliged to thank you for it. I consider this primitive communication message to be a waste of my time.

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: T'SONI, L.

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: I Am Not Krogan

For the last time, it doesn't work like that.

Liara

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: VEGA, J.

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: Coolest Toy Ever

About time someone made an action figure of yours truly. The tattoos aren't quite right and some parts aren't quite proportional if you get what I mean, but this is A. Maze. Ing. Impresionante.

Vega

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: SHEPARD, J.

To: VEGA, J.

Subj: RE: Coolest Toy Ever

Masturbation. The act of playing with oneself.

Sheploo

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: MOREAU, J.

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: I Took Commander Shepard Through Hell And Back Three Times And All I Got Was This Crappy Magazine

No, really. What the hell Shepard?

Joker

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: SHEPARD, J

To: MOREAU, J.

Subj: Whining Bitch

Thank you would have been nice.

The Lord is (my) Shepard

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: CHAKWAS, K.

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: Kama Sutra

Very funny Shepard, but Engineer Adams and I don't need tips thank you.

Karin

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: VAS NORMANDY, T.

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: Thank You?

I'm not sure why I would want to paint my body with something brown that smells like chocolate, but thanks for getting me something, I guess.

Tali

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: VAS NORMANDY, T.

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: You Are Sick

I've just done an Extranet search on chocolate body paint to double check that its safe for quarians and I found out its intended purpose. You are a sick, sick man.

Tali

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: VAKARIAN, G.

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: Chocolate Body Paint

Tali just tried out her gift and I just want to tell you, you are a genius and I love you. That book was nice too.

Garrus

**A/N-**_ Google translate told me that 'Impresionante' is Spanish for awesome. If its not, blame them not me. Also, please blame lack of quality on my hangover. I think I have liver failure._


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N-** _All Spanish comes to you courtesey of Google Translate. Probable lack of humour comes to you courtesey of my dad, making me get up for work at 4am._

**Alliance Security Log**

***VISUAL FILE***

SYNOPSIS

*LCDR SHEPARD, J. [J.S.] is lying in bed, watching childrens cartoons. The door opens, LT VEGA, J. [J.V.] and MAJ ALENKO, K. [K.A.] enter*

J.V. "Loco! You miss me?"

J.S. "About time you showed up. What kept you?"

J.V. "Oh, y'know, some moron blew the mass relays up and crashed our ship."

K.A. "But we're fine, thanks for asking."

J.S. "I got shot by a Reaper. Beat that."

*General conversation ensues for approx. 23 minutes*

J.V. "...so I end up fist fighting a freaking krogan warlord, on the edge of a 1,000ft cliff. And I won. You see, the trick is..araña! ARAÑA!"

K.A. "Huh?"

J.V. "ARAÑA GRANDE! ARAÑA MOTHER FREAKING PELUDA GRANDE!"

J.S. "Speak human, I can't understand what you're saying."

J.V. "OBTENER ESA COSA DE MÍ!"

*J.V. has jumped on top of a table and is gesticulating wildly, pointing at a wall*

K.A. "What the..SPIDER!"

*K.A. jumps onto the table with J.V."

J.S. "No no no no no no no."

*J.S. Moves backwards, stands on a chair then sits perched on top of the back rest*

J.S. "Nurse! NURSE!"

K.A. "That's..big."

J.V. *Muttering* "Querido Dios, por favor protégeme de este monstruo. Querido Dios, por favor protégeme de este monstruo..."

J.S. "NURSE!"

K.A. "Shepard, use the alarm!"

J.S. "I can't, its over there on the bed."

K.A. "Then go get it!"

J.S. "No! You get it."

K.A. "Maybe, uh, maybe I can use my biotics."

*K.A. uses his biotic powers to pick up a small white device used to call medical assistance, attached to the wall by a cable, from the bed. He pulls it across the room but the cable length means the device cannot be brought within one metre of any of the men*

K.A. "S***."

J.S. "#EDIT. EXCESSIVE SWEARING#"

J.V. "Si muero aquí decirle a mi familia que los amo."

J.S. "Use your biotics to kill it!"

K.A. "No. You use yours!"

J.S. "I haven't tried them out since I got dragged in here."

J.V. "Quiero a mi mamá!"

K.A. "O..k. Uh, here goes."

*K.A. launches several biotic attacks at a wall. J.S. screams*

J.S. "How is that thing still alive? Its coming towards me! Help. HELP!"

*J.S. launches a biotic attack at the same wall K.A. attacked*

*ERROR. VISUAL RECORDING EQUIPMENT DAMAGED*

**Alliance Security Log 34128.C-17**

Suspected terrorist attack at KCH London

Reports of an explosion at KCH London. Several windows have been blown out.

UPDATE: Explosion confirmed to have occurred in room inhabited by LCDR SHEPARD, J.. All windows in the room have shattered.

UPDATE: Victims LCDR SHEPARD, J., MAJ ALENKO, K. and LT VEGA, J. have been rescued from the room. Victims are reportedly terrified and screaming about a "monster".

UPDATE: LT VEGA, J. has had to be rushed to the hospital's neurology department for scans, as he appears to have lost the ability to speak English.

UPDATE: Alliance Marine Bomb Disposal Unit has scanned the hospital. No further bombs located.

UPDATE: Security footage from the room in the moments before the explosion has been reviewed. It appears this was not a terrorist attack.

UPDATE: Legal team are researching whether "Gross Stupidity" can be considered an offence

CASE RE-CLASSIFIED: Gross stupidity

UPDATE: Both LCDR SHEPARD, J. and MAJ ALENKO, K. have been interviewed and both attribute their lack of sense to the presence of a giant spider. Video analysts confirm no giant spiders captured on camera.

UPDATE: LT VEGA, J. has regained full language skills. He confirms LCDR SHEPARD, J. and MAJ ALENKO, K.'s statements.

.

UPDATE: Case cannot be investigated further due to MAJ ALENKO, K. and LCDR SHEPARD, J.'s SPECTRE statuses.

CASE STATUS: Closed, Resolved.

CASE RE-OPENED

UPDATE: Spider found at scene, measuring 3.5cm.

CASE STATUS: Closed, Resolved.

**Spanish Lesson, According To Google**

**Araña- Spider**

**Araña grande- Big spider**

**Araña peluda grande- Big hairy spider**

**Obtener esa cosa de mí- Get it away from me**

**Querido Dios, por favor protégeme de este monstruo- Dear God, please protect me from this monster**

**Si muero aquí decirle a mi familia que los amo- If I die here tell my family I love them**

**Quiero a mi mamá- I want my mum**


	10. Chapter 10

**Alliance Security Log 34876.A-84**

Location: KCH London

Victims: Multiple staff members

Reports received of multiple staff members from KCH London behaving erratically. Staff members include doctors, nurses and surgeons.

UPDATE: Several affected staff members have been interviewed. They appear to be suffering from hallucinations. One doctor had to be restrained after climbing on to the back of the officer interviewing him and shouting "Gallop, pony, gallop!".

UPDATE: Two thirds of KCH staff are now affected. No patients have been affected.

UPDATE: Tests show considerable amounts of the hallucinogenic recreational drug LSD in every victim's blood stream.

UPDATE: Alliance Department For Contagious Disease And Chemical Warfare have tested the hospital's water supply. LSD has been found in the water coolers and coffee machines in every staff room and staff canteen in the hospital.

UPDATE: KCH Administration Board accuse LCDR SHEPARD, J. of being the source of the contamination, despite having no proof.

UPDATE: LCDR SHEPARD, J. has been ordered to move along by Alliance Security Officers after being found inside a room where multiple victims are awaiting treatment. He was taking vids, eating popcorn and cheering.

UPDATE: All victims have received treatment. Despite extensive searches, origin of contamintation cannot be located.

CASE STATUS: Closed, Unresolved.

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: SAMARA

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: Zaeed Massani

It saddens me to have to involve you in this Shepard, but my attempts to inform Mr. Massani personally do not seem to have made a difference. Please inform him that if he continues to send me flirtatious extranet messages whilst intoxicated, then by the Justicar Code I will have no choice but to remove his genetalia.

Samara

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: MASSANI, Z.

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: RE: FWD: Zaeed Massani

I love feisty women.

Z.

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: LAWSON, M.

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: I Know It Was You

Care to explain why my personal computer was hacked and the desktop background replaced with a naked picture of you?

Miranda

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: SHEPARD, J.

To: LAWSON, M.

Subj: RE: I Know It Was You

We'll bang, k?

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: Blood Pack Recruitment

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: RE: Spare Vorcha?

We do not currently, and will never have, a vorcha you can "borrow" to occupy your hospital bed while you escape. Please stop pestering us.

B.P.R.

**ALLIANCE REQUISITION ORDER 8001920**

From: LCDR SHEPARD, J.

Dispatch Location: KCH London

Item(s): Superman Costume, Male, Large

Reason: To prove a point

-REQUEST DENIED. AUTH: R.O. 361 REASON: UNNECESSARY

-REQUEST HELD.

-REQUEST DENIED. AUTH: ADM HACKETT, S. REASON: UNNECESSARY

-REQUEST HELD.

-REQUEST APPROVED. AUTH: ADM HACKETT, S.

-REQUEST DENIED. AUTH: ALLIANCE SECURITY. REASON: HACKED CODES.

**ALLIANCE REQUISITION ORDER 8002131**

From: ADM HACKETT, S.

Dispatch Location: Alliance Command, Vancouver

Item(s): Elephant Manure, 1 tonne x 30,000

Reason: Enjoying the smell?

-REQUEST APPROVED. AUTOMATIC CLEARANCE.

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: HACKETT, S. ALTERNATIVE ACCOUNT

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: You Win

I should have known better. Thanks for the elephant manure. I'm sending you your costume.

Hackett

**ALLIANCE REQUISITION ORDER 8002321**

From: ADM HACKETT, S. ALTERNATIVE ACCOUNT

Dispatch Location: KCH London

Item(s): Superman Costume, Male, Large

-REQUEST APPROVED. AUTOMATIC CLEARANCE.

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: ADM HACKETT, S.

To: Alliance Requisitions

Subj: Requisition Order 8002321

I want you to find the biggest spider you can, I want you to put it inside that Superman costume, and I don't want Shepard finding out until he puts that costume on and finds that spider climbing over his shoulder.

Hackett.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N-** _Thank you all very much for acknowledging my brilliance. It means a lot_ :)

**Disclaimer-** Besides still not owning aforementioned stuff, I also don't own Superman, My Little Pony or YouTube

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: SHEPARD, J.

To: ZERO, J.

Subj: I Need Your Help

I need a powerful biotic to help me fly. And you should probably come thank me for saving the universe again. A striptease would be a great thank you gift. Just saying.

Commander Sexy

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

To: WREX, U.

From: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: Shepard 1-0 Wrex

Eat this.

*File Attachment*

_Attached file contains a vid of Commander Shepard dressed as Superman, apparently flying past KCH_

**A/N- I got bored and made a (bad) picture. /cvtqo9**

**Alliance Security Log**

***VISUAL FILE***

ERROR: Video equipment hacked. Shows only a looped vid of LCDR SHEPARD, J. wearing only a pink wig and a grass skirt, doing a dance known as the 'Macarena'.

***AUDIO FILE***

TRANSCRIPT

"Thanks for helping me out with that Jack."

"No problem Shepard. Just don't ask me to do that again, you've put on weight, you're harder to lift."

"What? No I haven't. I look great. Don't I?"

"Ha ha! Look at you prancing around in front of the mirror like a girl. Want me to comb your hair while you do your make up?"

"Very funny. Now how about that striptease?"

"Not gonna happen Shepard."

"You barely wear clothes anyway...c'mon...you know you want to."

"Shepard."

"Here, I'll help-"

*Thudding sound, followed by a male groaning, followed by another thud.*

"And that's what you get for being a jerk. Later Shepard."

**EXCERPT FROM KCH MEDICAL FILE**

Patient SHEP.11042154.R2D2

Doctor I.D. Singh-902

Patient was found curled in the fetal position and holding his groin by doctor during a routine check up. Patient initially refused to allow staff to examine him, but after several unaided attempts to get up he conceded. The patient appears to have been punched once in the face and once in the groin. He won't tell staff who is responsible for the injuries, saying only, "She's just jealous 'coz I'm sexier than her. And she's so in love with Miranda." It's a shame really, because I'm sure the female staff would love to buy whoever it was a drink to say thanks.

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: WREX, U.

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: I Am BRONY!

Who's laughing now?

*File Attachment*

_Attached file contains a vid of WREX, U. dressed as a character from 'My Little Pony', flying clearly with the aid of several ropes, over an unknown construction site in London._

**LCDR SHEPARD, J. Personal YouTube Profile**

Username: CommanderSexyN7

Videos: 1

-My Little King Krogan Pony - Uploaded: 1 hour ago - 395,085 views

Favourite Videos:

-Commander Shepard Becomes First Human SpecTRe

-Commander Shepard Sexy Pics!

-ZOMBIES ARE REAL! Commander Shepard Back From The Dead?!

-Lakers Girls Tribute to Commander Shepard

-Miranda Lawson is HOT!

-Commander Shepard More Sexy Pics!

-Sneezing Baby Varren

-U.N.A.S. College Cheerleading Championship Highlights

-A Tribute To Chief Ashley Williams, KIA, RIP

-College Girls Get Naked For Shepard -Deleted Video-

-Saren Arterius Bubblegum Pop Lip Dub

-Commander Shepard Knocks Out Reporter On The Citadel

-Commander Shepard Knocks Out Reporter On The Citadel Again!

-Commander Shepard Knocks Out Same Reporter On The Citadel Again Again!

-Geth Doing The Robot Dance

-Batarian Transvestite Sings 20th Century Jazz Covers

-Super Sexy: A Kaidan Alenko Tribute

**A/N- **_If anyone can make a pic of Wrex dressed as a My Little Pony, I, and I'm guessing every other ME fan out there, will be eternally grateful and promise to love you forever. **EDIT: **Thanks thebluninja...just Googled My Little Krogan...I think I will die laughing!_


	12. Chapter 12

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: SHEPARD, J.

To: Alliance Administration, Quarian Admiralty Board, Turian Hierarchy, 9 Other Recipients

Subj: Invoice

* * *

Invoice Ref: 001

Tax Point: 01-09-2186

Services Rendered:

~Saving the galaxy (x3)

~Returning from the dead

~Being awesome

Total Cost: 5,000,000,000 credits

To Be Paid By The Following Organisations:

~Citadel Council* : 2,500,000,000 credits

~Batarian Hegemony: 1,250,000,000 credits

~Earth Systems Alliance: 125,000,000 credits

~Quarian Admiralty Board: 125,000,000 credits

~Turian Hierarchy: 125,000,000 credits

~Krogan Clans: 125,000,000 credits

~Asari Republics: 125,000,000 credits

~Vol Protectorate: 125,000,000 credits

~Illuminated Primacy: 125,000,000 credits

~Courts of Dekuuna: 125,000,000 credits

~Salarian Union: 125,000,000 credits

~Vorcha Alliances: 125,000,000 credits

*In the event that funds cannot be appropriated from the remains of the Citadel, then this balance may be paid by the Batarian Hegemony.

All payments are to be made to me, in full, within 28 Earth days of receipt of this invoice.

_Spectre J.__ Shepard_

* * *

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: HACKETT, S.

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: Re: Invoice

Credits Paid To You since 2183: 1,615,250 credits

Cost Of Training You: 512,614 credits

Use Of SSV Normandy SR1 Resources: 22,000 credits

Use Of SSV Normandy SR2 Resources: 45,000 credits

Hospital Care (to date): 167,000 credits

Alliance Security Personnel Guarding You: 152,000 credits

SSV Normandy SR1 Crew 2183-2184: 1,800,000 credits

SSV Normandy SR2 Crew 2186: 2,000,000 credits

Compensation For Not Giving The Batarians Your Head On A Spike: 119,000,000 credits

Balance Owed To Earth Systems Alliance by You: 313,864 credits

All payments are to be made to Alliance Administration, in full, within 28 Earth days of receipt of this invoice.

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: VICTUS, A.

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: Re: Invoice

I am going to assume that your little prank is the result of whatever medications you are being given in hospital. I'll let it slide this once, but be assured that if you were anyone other than the savior of the galaxy, you'd be extradited to what's left of Palaven and be court marshalled for attempted fraud.

Although I could charge you 125 million credits for lending you Garrus Vakarian.

Victus

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: WREX, U.

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: Your Invoice

I'll happily pay you your 125 million credits, hell I'll double it, if you fulfill the 236 breeding requests you've gotten.

Wrex

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: Batarian Hegemony

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: RE: Invoice

We will not obey the ridiculous, flamboyant demands of a mass murderer. We do, however, have many many live grenades we will happily have shipped to your hospital room free of charge.

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: Salarian Union

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: RE: Invoice

The Salarian Union formally requests that you stop contacting us. Further contact could result in a diplomatic incident.

Tonrik Lei  
Salarian Union Administration

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: VRISHYAK BLOODLINE ALLIANCE

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: RE: INVOICE

we see youre message and we want to pay because we r honest vorcha and we like shepherd because you save galaxie from rippas but we no have lots of credits so we send you 5000 credits and sum guns and 10 voluntere vorcha to be youre servents

from Vrishyak Bloodline Allians

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: Illuminated Primacy

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: RE: Invoice

We have reviewed your kind message and these ones are in agreement that you deserve compensation for your heroic actions, especially in rescuing the last Enkindler. These ones are now forwarding the 125,000,000 credits that you requested in to your account. These ones would like to take this opportunity to thank you from the deepest reaches of our souls.

May your path stay illuminated,

The Congregation of the Illuminated Primacy


	13. Chapter 13

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: SHEPARD, H.

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: Money

Give the hanar their money back, now.

Mom

P.S. If they really, absolutely, definitely won't take it back, I like cashmere.

**Alliance Security Log 35201.C-55**

Disturbance

Location: MALK REZNIK, Batarian Military Camp, London

Malk Reznik guards are reporting a group of between eight and twelve vorcha situated outside the main gate, throwing their own faeces at pedestrians entering and exiting the base. Guards themselves have no power to stop the vorcha, as the four-eyed bastards don't have jurisdiction outside the camp perimeter.

UPDATE: Alliance Security are at the scene and have identified the culprits as a group of ten vorcha.

UPDATE: The vorcha have identified themselves as LCDR SHEPARD, J.'s 'Personal Pet Vorcha' and claim they were working under orders from their 'Master'.

UPDATE: LCDR SHEPARD, J. has been visited by Alliance Security to confirm the vorchas' claims. Officers report that when they first arrived, Shepard was completely naked and rolling around in a pile of credit chits, screaming "I'm rich!". Despite several requests he refused to put any clothes on. He confirmed the vorcha as 'belonging' to him.

UPDATE: Vorcha cannot be charged as LCDR SHEPARD, J. has taken legal responsibility. Shepard cannot be charged due to SpecTRe status, but is being investigated for slavery.

CASE STATUS: Closed, Resolved.

**Alliance Security Log 35201.D-99**

Illegal Slavery

Victim(s): Multiple vorcha

Perpetrator: LCDR SHEPARD, J.

LCDR SHEPARD, J. has been found to be in possession of ten vorcha whom he refers to as his 'personal property'.

UPDATE:

**INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT**

Alliance Security Officer [A.S.O.]: This is now a formal interview, you are being recorded. Do you understand?

LCDR SHEPARD, J. [J.S.]: Affirmative

A.S.O.: Do you claim that the vorcha in question belong to you, and are your personal property?

J.S.: No. They are not vorcha, they are genetically mutated protheans made to look like vorcha.

A.S.O.: Excuse me?

J.S.: Unicorns!

A.S.O.: Please co-operate Sir.

J.S.: Flying monkeys.

A.S.O.: I'm going to have to-

J.S.: Giant pink fluffy clouds!

A.S.O.: Sir, I-

J.S.: Pickled underpants!

A.S.O.: STOP TALKING!

J.S.: ...

A.S.O.: Oh, for crying out loud, answer the question.

J.S.: Fine! Whatever. Yes, the vorcha are my bitches.

A.S.O.: And you own them?

J.S.: I'm rich. Do you think I should buy my own colony?

A.S.O.: Please stick to the subject at hand. Do you claim to own these vorcha?

J.S.: I don't claim to own them. I do own them. Maybe I could clone dinosaurs.

A.S.O.: Are you aware that under Systems Alliance law, slavery is illegal?

J.S.: Count my eyes. Do you see four? I'm not a batarian, I know that slavery is illegal. Hey, maybe I could buy, like, a theme park. Name it 'ShepWorld'.

A.S.O.: So you understand that you are breaking the law?

J.S.: First up, I'm a freakin' Spectre. Second, I don't like your attitude, your life expectancy is dropping by the minute.

A.S.O.: Are you threatening me?

J.S.: Bitch, please. I don't make threats, I make promises. But third, and most important, they are volunteers. Good day sir.

A.S.O.: Do you have proof of that?

J.S.: On this data pad. Take it before I shove it up your ass. I think I'm gonna buy an ice cream factory.

A.S.O.: Yes...this seems to check out.

J.S.: I give this investigation 2 out of 10. Would not bang. Or what about a chocolate factory?

A.S.O.: Thank you for your time sir.

J.S.: Please pause to let the door smack you in the face on the way out. A factory that makes dinosaurs out of chocolate ice cream?

**END OF INTERVIEW**

CASE STATUS: Closed, Resolved.


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N-** So, I figured only the Reaper codes/tech in EDI and the geth got destroyed, which would make them salvagable. And, again, thanks for the feedback, my ego has grown exponentially.

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: Supreme Sculpting

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: Receipt for Order #408923

Thank you for your recent order, further to our vid conversation, this is your receipt. Your order is detailed below.

1 Statue of John Shepard

Height: 9.14 meters

Material: 24 carat gold

Delivery Loacation: To be erected at Alliance Headquarters, Vancouver, U.N.A.S.

Total Cost: 1,000,000 credits

Balance Paid: 1,000,000 credits

This is a receipt, please do not reply to this message.

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: SHEPARD, J.

To: LAWSON, M.

Subj: EDI

I got a whole bunch of credits, ever wanted to sleep with a rich guy? Well now's your chance! Anyway, I'm sending you a load of credits to rebuild EDI with. Get as many more as you can from what's left of Hades' Lame-Ass Dogs, and recruit Kasumi, Traynor, Tali and Liara. You might want to talk to Admiral Xen as well, she knows a lot about A.I.'s and I'm pretty sure she's working on a project to rebuild the geth.

There will be extra credits available if you all work naked, film it, and send me the vids.

Sexmaster Shepard

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: Erotic Indulgences

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: Receipt For Your Recent Order #39274

Thank you for your order. This is your confirmation and receipt.

Penis Mould Casting Service, to be carried out at Kings College Hospital, London on 3 September

1 Dextro Amino Chocolate Penis, made from your mould + attached message reading "A taste of what you're missing"

7 Levo Amino Chocolate Penises, made from your mould + attached message reading "A taste of what you're missing"

8 Shipping Charges, to the following recipients;

Tali'Zorah Vas Normandy

Liara T'Soni

Miranda Lawson

Samantha Traynor

Diana Allers

Jack Zero

Aria T'Loak

Kaidan Alenko*

Total Balance: 1,500 credits

Balance Paid: 1,500 credits

*All packages marked with an asterisk are to be discretely handled, to save customers' embarrassment. These recipients will not be told who their gift is from.

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: Origin

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: Weekly Account Activity

Here is your account activity for the past week. If you can't see the message below click here. To turn these alerts off click here.

Downloaded:

-Battlefield 24: Reapers Strike Earth

-The Sims 12

-The Sims 12 - Interspecies Love Expansion Pack

-FIFA 2187: Galactic World Cup

-Madden SpaceBall

-Battlefield 22 Unofficial Mod: Die Batarians Die - Makes all batarians heads explode instantly!

Played:

-Battlefield 24: Reapers Strike Earth - 4 hours

-Battlefield 22: Skyllian Blitz - 19 hours

-Sims 12 (including EPs)- 3 hours

-Mass Effect: First Contact War - 3 hours

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: Bioware Social Network

To: SHEPARD, J

Subj: Someone Replied To Your Thread!

Replies have been posted to your thread.

Forum: Mass Effect: First Contact War General Discussion (No Spoilers Allowed)

Thread title: "Grenades and Thermal Clips, wtf?"

Original Post: Video game grenades are f***ing ridiculous. I'm a marine, they DO NOT GO OFF LIKE THAT! If I threw one at some guy 6 feet away I would get blown up too. This is ********! And why are there thermal clips in a game that's set 26 freakin' years ago?!

Replies:

-inb4L2Pnoob

-I can't comment on grenades, but the thermal clips are there for 'art'. The developers decided during game play testing that prohibiting the player creates more strategy and a better game.

-Lolz, Space Magic. That is all.

-I have compiled an interesting 43 page document detailing every type of grenade, how long they take to go off, their dps, their blast area, and how they stack with certain upgrades and bonuses. It only takes around 5 hours to learn and you won't understand a word of it, but it will definitely help to improve your game experience.


	15. Chapter 15

**Alliance Security Log**

***VISUAL FILE***

SYNOPSIS

*The door opens, FLT MOREAU, J. [J.M.] enters*

J.M.: "Greetings fellow cripple."

LCDR SHEPARD, J. [J.S.]: "Joker, to what do I owe the displeasure?"

J.M.: "Somebody made my ship crash, thought I'd come and teach him a lesson. Or steal the vodka I hear he's hiding in his hospital room, whichever's easier."

J.S.: "Dobby, master's friend requires a drink."

Unknown vorcha: "Yes master."

J.M.: "Dude! You got your own vorcha? Can I have one?"

*Unknown vorcha gives a glass of clear liquid to J.M.*

J.S.: "You're dismissed Dobby, go wallow in your own filth or whatever it is you do in your spare time. So, Joker, are you only here to steal from me?"

J.M.: "I'm being a good supportive friend, here to give you my best wishes during your recovery. The fact that you just got rich is a pure coincidence."

J.S.: "Uh huh, of course it is."

J.M.: "Although, I'm sorry, but I'm kinda gonna have to kick your ass."

J.S.: "Excuse me?!"

J.M.: "You didn't send EDI a welcome back present, which means you knew she was gonna die. As her boyfriend, I have no choice but to kick your ass. I may be a cripple, but I'm still a marine."

J.S.: "Who doesn't even know how to fire a gun."

J.M.: "I didn't need to until you broke my kick-ass sexy robot sidekick. But, for your information, it took a couple of weeks to repair the Normandy, and during that time the four-eyed bug man made me do some target practice. Javik's a freakin' slave driver."

J.S.: "How many times did you shoot yourself in the foot?"

J.M.: "I didn't. Javik might have somehow maybe got shot in the ass at one point, but I say that's pretty impressive considering he was actually stood behind me at the time. But stop changing the subject. You're going down, Shepard."

J.S.: "What the? Joker, you'll hurt yourself more than you'll hurt me."

J.M.: "Just the price I gotta pay."

J.S.: "Joker, seriously, you'll break something. In your body, not mine."

J.M.: "This is a matter of honour. Ok. Right. Here goes. Get ready. Um.."

*J.M. hesitantly punches J.S. in the face. J.S. seems unfazed. There is a cracking sound and J.M. doubles over in pain.*

J.M.: "S*** s*** s***! I broke my hand!"

J.S.: "Told you so. Let's go get a nurse."

*J.S. helps J.M. out of the room.*

END OF SYNOPSIS

**Alliance Security Log**

***VISUAL FILE***

SYNOPSIS

*FLT MOREAU, J. [J.M.] enters the room in a wheelchair*

LCDR SHEPARD, J. [J.S.]: "Hey. I assume you're not here to brag about your victory? And what's with the wheelchair?"

J.M.: "I'm fine thanks Shepard, fractured three fingers and cracked some other bones, I wasn't really paying attention to what the doctor said, but I'll live. Thank you for asking how I am, it's good to know you care. And to answer your question, it's some bull**** 'insurance policy'. Apparently they can't risk allowing me to walk in case I accidentally trip over and sue them. I say, this is a violation of my rights. I mean, you don't have to use a wheelchair. This is a heap of crap. And, I'm one of very few people who punched Commander Shepard in the face and lived to tell the tale.

J.S.: "First up, they tried to make me use a wheelchair, I used it to knock over as many doctors as possible. Kinda like bowling, but with people instead of pins. Second, that was _not_ a punch. How many dicks did you have to suck to pass basic training in the Alliance?"

J.M.: "Ha ha ha. Please excuse me while I find that so funny I forget to laugh. You're just jealous."

J.S.: "Me? Commander Shepard, Saviour of the Galaxy, Defender of Freedom, Protector of Life-"

J.M.: "-Harbourer of Massive Ego-"

J.S.: "Why would I ever be jealous of you?"

J.M.: "Coz I'm where all the awesome is at!"

J.S.: "Are they naming schools and hospitals after you? No. They're naming them after me, Commander SuperShep."

J.M.: "Ok then tough guy, I give you a challenge. Me and you, wheelchair race. Right now. Out the room, around the ward, back again. First to 'touch down' on the bed wins."

J.S.: "You're on. I'm gonna kick your ass."

*J.S. sits in an empty wheelchair that has been left in the corner of the room.*

J.M.: "Hey, you might have the upper body strength, but I've got the experience. Think about how much time I've spent in a wheelchair. Think about all the times I've been stuck in med-bays and hospitals overnight and had nothing better to do than race laps around the Normand...I mean ward. I never did that on the Normandy. Ever."

J.S.: "You're where all the skid marks on the SR-1 CIC came from? That Anderson made me clean up EVERY TIME?! Were you the one that knocked over the Lego Death Star I left in the SR-2 CIC? You bastard!"

J.M.: "Uh...let's race! 3..2..1...go!"

*J.S. and J.M. exit the room by wheelchair in a very hurried fashion. Approximately two minutes later they re-enter the room in a similar way, angry shouting can be heard from outside in the corridor. They are side by side, apparently attempting to push each other out of their respective wheelchairs. A wheel on J.S.'s wheelchair catches a wheel on J.M.'s wheelchair and J.M. is sent flying through the air, landing on the bed.*

J.M.: "I won! I won! I think I broke my back but I won!"

J.S.: "You didn't win, you fell."

J.M.: "Loser! You are a huge, fat, gigantic, Harbinger-sized freakin' LOSER! Now get me a doctor. I don't think my ribs are meant to stick out like this."

END OF SYNOPSIS


	16. Chapter 16

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: T'LOAK, A.

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: Look What I Did

I got your gift. I took a hammer to it. I can maybe overlook your sheer stupidity this once, but try any tricks with me again, and I'll take a hammer to the real thing next time.

Oh, and, doesn't look like much. I can assure you I've seen much, much bigger.

Aria

*File Attachment*

_Attached file contains what appears to be the smashed remains of a chocolate penis._

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: ALENKO, K.

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: Hey

Just thought I'd check in, let you know how everything's going. The rebuild's going well, not as well as we hoped, but better than we expected. Had a few...hiccups...to say the least. Turns out, in batarian culture two of the most offensive things you can do are bare your chest or smoke. They don't take kindly to jeering at women either. A couple of days ago, it was very hot, some batarians and humans were working together on the same construction site. The human construction workers took their shirts off because of the heat, a few lit cigarettes, some pretty young women walked past...to cut a long story short, it resulted in a two hour brawl, and one of the batarians tried to use a wrecking ball as a weapon, missed and knocked down the hanar building next to it. Have you ever seen a hanar get angry? They glow red, it's...weird.

There's a lot of support for you, Shepard. People are virtually worshiping you. I've seen piles of fan mail for you delivered to Alliance HQ. I've been getting some too. Some of it's pretty...odd. Someone sent me a chocolate penis. Weird, huh?

I also need to ask you sort of a favour. Not really sure how to say this. Remember that time I mentioned a run-in I had with the vorcha mafia, a bottle of whiskey and 5,000 credits? Well, I didn't mention the rubber chicken and horse whip involved and that I was naked at the time. There are pictures, I found them on the extranet and they look bad. I tried hacking the site, but it's not really my thing, and...could you do it for me? Please?

Best wishes,

Kaidan

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: HACKETT, S.

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: Visit

They've finally elected a Prime Minister for the new alliance parliament and he's coming to visit you tomorrow.

Hackett

**Alliance Security Log**

***VISUAL FILE***

PARTIAL SYNOPSIS

Recorded from the Omni-Tool of Alliance Security Special Agent Downes

Location: Kings College Hospital, London. High security ward.

Present: PRIME MINISTER ALEXIS-WEBB, B. [B.A.W.], ADM HACKETT, S [S.H.], ASS DOWNES, K [K.D.], ASS MERCE, F. [F.M.], ALLIANCE NEWS NETWORK ALLERS, D. [D.A.]

K.A.: "Security clearance confirmed. Commander Shepard's room is just this way, Prime Minister."

B.A.W.: "Excellent. Admiral Hackett, any last minute information I should have on the Commander?"

S.H.: "Nothing in particular, he's a fairly open book. Just..he can be a little odd at times, and I think the new-found fame and glory has gone to his head a little too much. But Shepard's a professional so I'm sure there won't be a prob...lem. Ah.

*The door to LCDR SHEPARD, J.'s [J.S.] room opens. J.S. is sat on the bed, wearing leather underwear and a leather mask. On the bed is a wide variety of lubricants and sex toys, including an inflatable sheep.*

J.S.: "Admiral, Prime Minister! I've been expecting you, please come in and make yourselves at home. Allers, I think this is your favourite brand of lubricant. I remember finding some in your room once. Butt plug, anyone?"

END OF PARTIAL SYNOPSIS


	17. Chapter 17

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: VAKARIAN, G.

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: A Drink

I've found a "pub" near Kings College Hospital that serves dextro drinks, a couple of turians I know working on the London Rebuilding Operation say it's cheap and tacky and apparently your feet stick to floor (I'm assuming humans don't normally have floors their feet can stick to?), but a drink is a drink. What do you say I bust you out and we get drunk? By the Spirits, we deserve it.

Garrus

**Alliance Security Log**

***VISUAL FILE***

SYNOPSIS

*The door to LCDR SHEPARD, J. [J.S.]'s room opens, VAKARIAN, G. [G.V.] enters*

J.S.: "Garrus, about time you showed up."

G.V.: "Yeah, well, I was so busy receiving all these medals for my heroics that I just couldn't find the time to fit you in."

J.S.: "They're giving out pity medals? How cute!"

G.V.: "Ha ha, very funny. It's been too long Shepard, how are you?"

J.S.: "OK thanks. Hospital food is terrible, but there's free drugs and hot nurses."

G.V.: "Ah, yes, good looking women are a great cure for almost anything. I'm assuming you mean hot-good-looking, not hot-help-me-I'm-on-fire? Anyway, this "pub" is a short walk away. Here's an omni-tool with a cloaking program on it and a map to where we're going. You go out first, and I'll meet you there."

*G.V. hands J.S. an omni-tool.*

J.S.: "See you soon, Garrus."

*J.S. puts the omni-tool on his wrist and disappears. The door to the room opens and closes, no one seems to pass through it. Approximately 3 minutes later G.V. leaves the room.*

**Alliance Security Log 35948.A-32**

Missing Person Report

Location: Kings College Hospital, London

LCDR SHEPARD, J. reported missing from his hospital room by staff.

UPDATE: Security footage taken from LCDR SHEPARD, J.'s room shortly before his disappearance has been reviewed. The Commander is believed to be in the company of VAKARIAN, G.

UPDATE: Review of recent correspondence between LCDR SHEPARD, J. and VAKARIAN, G.. They are believed to be located at a pub 0.8 miles from KCH called "The Kings Arms" [TKA].

UPDATE: Nearby Alliance Security squad has been dispatched to TKA, estimated arrival, 2 minutes.

UPDATE: Dispatched Alliance Security squad should have arrived 18 minutes ago. Have failed to report back.

UPDATE: Alliance Security squad still not responding. Second squad dispatched.

UPDATE: Second squad were due to arrive 12 minutes ago. Not responding.

UPDATE: Third squad dispatched.

UPDATE: Unclear transmission received from third squad.

UPDATE: First two squads dispatched identified as from TIGER Squad Delta Two. Acting CO: TEMP LT MASSANI, Z.. TIGER Squad Delta Two have been expressly forbidden from active roles involving LCDR SHEPARD, J.. Alliance Special Enforcement squad dispatched.

UPDATE: Contact with Special Enforcement squad lost. N7 Heavy Strike Squad dispatched.

UPDATE: Unclear transmission received from N7 Heavy Strike Squad. Contact lost.

UPDATE: Second N7 Heavy Strike Squad dispatched. Upon entering TKA they found all members of the third Alliance Security squad to be dispatched, tied up and gagged and wearing only their underwear. Members of the Special Enforcement squad were found handcuffed to batarian male prostitutes. The first N7 Heavy Strike squad were all unconcious, showing signs of having been attacked from behind, with the exception of two members, who were found naked and suspended from the ceiling, crying and with what appear to be bombs strapped to their genitals. No sign of LCDR SHEPARD, J., VAKARIAN, G. or any members of TIGER Squad Delta Two. Alliance Marine Bomb Disposal Unit has been called in.

UPDATE: Alliance Marine Bomb Disposal Unit confirms that the packages are indeed bombs.

UPDATE: When safely detonated, the bombs exploded with confetti. A message contained within read 'YOU'RE NOT LOOKING HARD ENOUGH :)'.

UPDATE: All Alliance Personnel found in TKA have been referred for a psychiatric evaluation.

UPDATE: Complaint received of LCDR SHEPARD, J. and 'company' causing a disturbance at a nearby shooting range. Squads dispatched.

UPDATE: Upon arriving at the shooting range, the owner was found tied to a target and covered in his own urine. He reports that LCDR SHEPARD, J., a turian referred to as 'Garrus' and a human referred to as 'Zaeed' visited the range and were refused entry by him on the grounds that they were obviously drunk. They then tied him to a target and took it in turns to shoot their empty alcohol bottles off of his head. This lead to him urinating himself repeatedly.

UPDATE: Reports of a human and a turian matching LCDR SHEPARD, J. and VAKARIAN, G.'s appearances have been seen offering 'Jellyfish soup' samples and 'free callibrations' outside a hanar morgue.

UPDATE: TIGER Squad Delta Two have made contact. They 'got held up' on the way to TKA. One witness, named as VERNER, CONRAD confirms this story.

UPDATE: LCDR SHEPARD, J. has been found in his hospital room. Appears to be extremely intoxicated. VAKARIAN, G. refuses to confirm his location during these events, citing his diplomatic immunity.

CASE STATUS: Closed, Resolved.


	18. Chapter 18

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: VERNER, C.

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: Recent Update

Congratulations on your successes Commander. I was happy to help you out with the Alliance the other day. I'm a little offended that you haven't got in touch yet to thank me for my help (with the Alliance and with the Reapers), but I guess we don't do this for the glory, huh? Anyway, I have reason to believe that the Reapers are still out there. The Prime Minister is one. I know it sounds crazy but it's true, and besides, you know you can trust me, it's not like I'm crazy or anything. I have proof, I can bring it to you, I just need you to tell the guards to let me in the hospital. I keep telling them I'm your best friend but they won't listen.

All the best,

Conrad

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: LAWSON, M.

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: Project Vindiction

We started work on Project Vindiction last week. Contrary to your suggestions, we did not call it Project Sex Bot. It's a big challenge, and I can't guarantee any success, but it's going well so far.

We found the camera you had obviously paid someone to install in the women's bathroom, Kasumi traced it back to you. Are you really that sexually deprived? It could be a sign of sexual frustration, do you have problems getting it up?

Miranda

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: NOWAN, R.

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: Why haven't you eaten my cheese?

Remember that bust of you that I made out of cheese? It's getting really mouldy. I've sprayed it with as much preservative as I can, but please come and pick it up soon. The struts are starting to give way, your chin looks so terrible.

Randi

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: SHEPARD, J.

To: DIXON, L.

Subj: Steve

I know you've been flirting with my friend Steve. I also know that you've been on dates with at least two other guys in the past 3 weeks. Leave Steve alone now, or I swear on the future of galactic civilization that I will hunt you down and tear you apart with my bare hands. And please stop taking naked pictures of yourself, I'm sick of having to wade through them every time I hack into your extranet account.

I'm watching you.

Shepard

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: In Memory - Finest Memorials and Headstones

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: Order Confirmation 229274

Thank you for your recent purchase with us. Your order is detailed below. We wish you well during this time of sorrow.

Order Part 1 Description: Granite Memorial

Inscription: 

Kai Leng

Assassin, F*ckwit and Monumental Douche Bag

Rot In Pieces

Order Part 2 Description: Granite Memorial

Inscription:

Jack Harper - The Illusive Man

Crappy Leader, Back Stabber and SOB

Rot In Pieces

Order Total: 2,000 credits

Amount Paid: 2,000 credits

Please retain this message for future reference

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: NOWAN, R.

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: CHEESE

WHY WON'T YOU EAT YOUR HEAD SHEPARD?


	19. Chapter 19

**Alliance Security Log**

**VISUAL FILE**

TRANSCRIPT

KCH London. Room occupied by LCDR SHEPARD, J.

*The door opens and LT MOREAU, J. [J.M.] enters*

J.M.: "Hey Shepard. Just thought I'd swing by and let you know that you're throwing a party tonight."

LCDR SHEPARD, J. [J.S.]: "I am?"

J.M.: "Yeah, I already invited everyone, so it's too late to back out. You don't wanna look like an even bigger douche."

J.S.: "What? Why is it, every time I throw a party, you seems to be in charge of the guest list? And what do you mean 'bigger douche'?"

J.M.: "Hey, I'm doing you a favour, Shepard. I'm lending my good name to your party, that counts for a lot."

J.S.: "Who exactly is coming to this party?"

J.M.: "The guys from the Normandy. Y'know, Garrus, Vega, Squishy Bug-Man, that weird British guy down in engineering… Guys night in."

J.S.: "Wait wait wait. If I'm having a party, there will be women involved."

J.M.: "NO! You killed my girlfriend. If I don't get any, you don't. Don't give it out if you can't take it yourself. Besides, it's too late to change the guest list now, I sent the invitations out three days ago."

J.S.: "Three…? It took you three days to tell me I'm having a party?"

J.M.: "Later Shepard!"

*J.M. exits the room.*

END OF TRANSCRIPT

**Alliance Security Log**

**VISUAL FILE**

PARTIAL TRANSCRIPTION

KCH London. Room inhabited by LCDR SHEPARD, J.

LIST OF PERSONS PRESENT; LCDR SHEPARD, J. [J.S.] – JAVIK – VAKARIAN, G. [G.V.] – SVM DONNELLY, K. [K.D.] – LT ADAMS, G. [G.A.] – LT VEGA, J. [J.V.] – LT CORTEZ, S [S.C.] – LT MOREAU, J. [J.M.] - MAJ ALENKO, K. [K.A.]

J.M.: "Guys, guys, take a seat, grab a beer, and let's have a good time!"

J.V.: "Uh huh. When do the mujeres get here?

J.S.: "The what?"

J.V.: "Mujeres. Ladies."

J.S.: "Oh, right, yeah, there won't be any. We're being cock-blocked."

J.V.: "Oh what? Joker, you suck."

J.M.: "Your English is terrible Vega. It's pronounced 'Awe-Some'."

S.C.: "OK, ok ladies, stop arguing and have a good time."

K.D.: "Ay, ere's to tha'!"

JAVIK: "Is anyone aware of what language this primitive known as Kenneth is talking? I cannot understand a single word."

S.C.: "O…k… how about some entertainment. Commander, got any music, movies…?"

J.S.: "Uh, I've got a LOT of porn. And a Netflix sub."

*Conversation continues, then the gathered company watch a vid for approximately 2.5 hours*

*Three hours later*

J.M.: "That…that…"

J.V.: "Beautiful."

G.V.: "She…she let go."

G.A.: "That was incredible."

J.S.: "Pass me more tissues."

S.C.: "Really guys?"

K.A.: "I wasn't sure I'd enjoy it that much, I mean, I'm not the kind of guy that normally watches this, but, that was actually really good."

K.D.: "It was just so rough. How could she survive that?"

G.V.: "So fast too, once it started going down."

J.V.: "I can't believe he kept going for so long."

J.S.: "Seriously guys, way more tissues."

S.C.: "I really don't understand how you could all get so excited."

K.A.: "It was so…passionate."

JAVIK: "It was ridiculous. I have learnt nothing from this. What is the purpose in producing vid material if there is no educational content?"

J.M.: "Javik, Steve, that was amazing. You just don't know how to appreciate art."

JAVIK: "The ship sunk. She let Jack go. She threw some kind of gem into an ocean. That is not art, it is foolish."

S.C.: "I can think of way better romances than Titanic."

END OF PARTIAL TRANSCRIPTION


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N- So...this chapter sucks. I'm sorry, but it's hot and I'm sleepy.**

**Alliance Security Log 36093.B-51**

KCH London

Patient LCDR SHEPARD, J. reported out of control and unrestrainable.

UPDATE: Officers have arrived at the scene. LCDR SHEPARD, J. is armed and wearing full armor. He is insisting that he is fit to return to active duty, against medical professional's better judgement. Medical file attached.

KINGS COLLEGE HOSPITAL MEDICAL FILE

Patient SHEP.11042154.R2D2

Doctor I.D. Peters-214

Patient is attempting to discharge himself. He still has extremely high levels of Beta-wave brain activity, far higher levels of Omicron radiation than have been recorded in any other known person (Omicron radiation having been caused by the Crucible explosion), and despite there being no known side-effects of said radiation (thus far), and it appears not to be transferrable, we must still keep him in for observations. His spinal injuries and skull fractures are still not yet fully healed, and he is suffering from minor short-term amnesia, despite being in denial about it. Alliance Security will have to be called in to restrain him.

END OF MEDICAL FILE

UPDATE: LCDR SHEPARD, J. is attempting to invoke his SpecTRe status to prevent Alliance Security Officers from returning him to his bed. Doctors are discussing potential ways to subdue him but have no way of administering anything whilst he is wearing his armor, which he refuses to remove.

UPDATE: ADM HACKETT, S. is in the vicinity of KCH LONDON and has issued orders stating that he will deal with LCDR SHEPARD, J. personally.

UPDATE: ADM HACKETT, S. is on scene.

UPDATE: ADM HACKETT, S. has restrained LCDR SHEPARD, J. by hitting him on the head with the butt of an Alliance Security Officer's assault rifle. LCDR SHEPARD, J. is currently unconcious. Doctors report that the force has 'agitated' Shepard's skull fractures, and will probably lengthen his hospital stay. Hackett is reportedly amused by this.

CASE STATUS: Closed, Resolved.

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: SHEPARD, H.

To: HACKETT, S.

Subj: Shepard Junior

I heard about what you did, and I know that as a mother I really shouldn't say this, but my son in a massive pain in the ass, so well done.

Rear Admiral Hannah Shepard

**ALLIANCE REQUISITION ORDER 8059013**

From: ADM HACKETT, S.

Dispatch Location: Alliance Command Vancouver / Office of ADM HACKETT, S.

Item(s): Evita, vid, 10,000 copies - Beef joint, food, 3,000 - 1980's Mullet Haircut Wig, 1,000

Reason: I'm from Buenos Aires and we all love Evita! And beef! And mullets! Aren't racial stereotypes glorious! And I know you're reading this Hackett. Screw you, that hurt.

-REQUEST APPROVED. AUTOMATIC APPROVAL.


	21. Chapter 21

**EXTRANET LOG, LCDR SHEPARD, J. WEEK ENDING 2186-9-6**

Conspiracy Forums – Is Shepard Really A Reaper? – 1 visit

Be A Bigger Man (Penis Enlargement Tips) – 12 visits

Shepard Fans Unite – 103 visits

How To Care For Your Vorcha, An Owner's Guide– 37 visits

Facebook – 41 visits

YouTube – 29 visits

Pyjack Memes – 2 visits

Retake Mass Effect: First Contact War Official Extranet Site – 1 visit

ShepTube – 389 visits

BioWare Social Network - 14 visits

Alliance News Network Hub – 16 visits

Enkindling The Galaxy-The Extranet's Best Hanar Erotica Site – 102 visits

**DOWNLOADS**

Mass Effect: First Contact War Complete Game Guide

Why Is It Humping My Leg? Your Guide To Understanding Your Vorcha's Mating Habits

Asari Matriarch OrgyFest

Vol-Clan Get Hot And Dirty

MC Jelly The Beat-Boxing Hanar's Greatest Hits

The Great Delusion: How the Alliance Bombed Earth, Brainwashed Us and Made Us Believe It Was 'The Reapers'

**UPLOAD**

12 Self Portrait Photographs  
**UPLOADED TO: **Facebook

Vid 1

**DESCRIPTION:** LCDR SHEPARD, J. showering, wearing only underpants  
**UPLOADED TO:** Shepard Fans Unite

Vid 2

**DESCRIPTION:** LCDR SHEPARD, J., VAKARIAN, G., ZERO, J., FLT MOREAU, J., TAYLOR, J., and a drell identified as KRIOS, K. apparently urinated on and defacing memorials purchased by Shepard, dedicated to THE ILLUSIVE PRICK and LAME, K..

**UPLOADED TO: **YouTube

**Alliance Security Log ****36102.A-37**

Alliance Internal Databases have been hacked. POI (Persons Of Interest) file names LENG, K. [Kai Leng] has been changed to LAME, K. [Kai Lame] and THE ILLUSIVE MAN [Jack Harper] has been changed to THE ILLUSIVE PRICK [Jack S***].

UPDATE: Hacking investigated further. List of changes to internal systems found:

-LCDR SHEPARD, J. [John W. Shepard] changed to COMMANDER AWESOME, HIGH KING OF EVERYTHING [And Very Sexy Too]

-S.U. DALATRASS LINRON [Nimira Linron] changed to EVIL SALARIAN BITCH [The Salarian Union Can Kiss My Ass]

-C.C. COUNCILOR TEVOS [Elir Tevos] changed to DEAD COUNCIL IDIOT #1 [Should Never Have Messed With Shepard]

-C.C. COUNCILOR VALERN [Porhen Valern] changed to DEAD COUNCIL IDIOT #2 [Should Never Have Messed With Shepard]

-C.C. COUNCILOR SPARATUS [Tolfdir Sparatus] changed to DEAD COUNCIL IDIOT #3 [Should Never Have Messed With Shepard]

-C.C. COUNCILOR IRISSA [Zia-Kolis Irissa] changed to DEAD COUNCIL IDIOT #4 [Should Never Have Messed With Shepard]

-C.C. COUNCILOR ESHEEL [Pesbfier Esheel] changed to DEAD COUNCIL IDIOT #5 [Should Never Have Messed With Shepard]

-C.C. COUNCILOR QUENTIUS [Roman Quentius] changed to DEAD COUNCIL IDIOT #6 [Should Never Have Messed With Shepard]

-HUMAN C.C. COUNCILOR UDINA [Donnel Udina] changed to BACKSTABBING S.O.B. [Rot In Hell You Bastard]

-ADM HACKETT, S. [Steven Hackett] changed to PARTY POOPER [You Just Can't Have Fun With Him Around]

-ADM ANDERSON, D. [David Anderson] changed to ADM ANDERSON, HERO AND TRUE SAVIOR OF THE GALAXY [David Anderson]

UPDATE: All files have been reverted back to their original names, with the exception of ADM ANDERSON, HERO AND TRUE SAVIOR OF THE GALAXY which has remained at ADM HACKETT, S.'s request.

UPDATE: Source of hacking located. Confirmed to be KCH, LONDON, room currently inhabited by LCDR SHEPARD, J.

UPDATE: Alliance Security Officers have visited and interviewed LCDR SHEPARD, J. who admits to hacking. Due to his SPECTRE status, he cannot be arrested.

CASE STATUS: Closed, Resolved.


	22. Chapter 22

**A/N- From now on, Shepard will be replying to all reviews. You have been warned.**

**Alliance Security Log 36341.C-09**

Location: KCH, London

Patient LCDR SHEPARD, J. reported missing from hospital room. Was last seen approximately one hour before the report was made.

UPDATE: Search of LCDR SHEPARD, J.'s room revealed his dress blues are missing.

UPDATE: Security patrols have searched all fast food franchises and bars near the hospital. LCDR SHEPARD, J. has not been found in any. Patrols are going to search again using newly acquired Geth Scanners in case Shepard is using a Tactical Cloak program.

UPDATE: Further searches completed, LCDR SHEPARD, J. still not found.

UPDATE: Friends and relatives of LCDR SHEPARD, J. have been contacted, given their habit of aiding him in his escapades. Alliance Security are confident of the truthfulness of the negative reports back from most of Shepard's associates, however, TEMP LT MASSANI, Z., WREX, U. and VAKARIAN G. will not give straight answers. JAVIK is refusing to cooperate entirely.

UPDATE: Possibly related theft of office supplies from same ward LCDR SHEPARD, J. is missing from. See Alliance Security Log 36340.A-18 for details.

UPDATE: Confirmation has been received that LCDR SHEPARD, J. is not and has not been in the company of TEMP LT MASSANI, Z., WREX, U., VAKARIAN, G. or JAVIK since (this) disappearance.

UPDATE: Attached files containing details of unusual items recently acquired by LCDR SHEPARD, J..

**ATTACHED FILES**

**EXTRANET**** MESSAGE**

From: ToyBox - The Extranet's #1 Toy Store!

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: Receipt For Your Recent Purchase

Thank you for your recent custom. Here is your receipt.

Warning: This is an automated response, please do not reply to this message.

ORDER 28538

ITEM 1. 20 x Toy Rifle [M-8 Avenger series]

ITEM 2. 20 x Toy Pistol [M-3 Predator series]

ITEM 3. 20 x Toy Omni-Tool [Edition 3 w/ Installed Hologram]

**Total Balance:** 1,000 credits

**Balance Paid: **1,000 credits

Have fun and we hope to see you again soon!

Click here to receive our free newsletter

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: Carnival Costume Supplies

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: Receipt for Order 86/9-201

Products Purchased

- 20 x Child's Alliance Soldier Costume - N7 Shepard Spectre version

- 20 x Child's Alliance Soldier Costume Add-Ons - N7 Shepard Spectre version

- 20 x Spectre Badge costume prop

Total of Purchases- 1,280 credits [PAID]

Carnival Costume Supplies thanks you for your order. Items will be dispatched shortly.

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: Hughes & Sons Fine Jewellers

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: Receipt for Purchase 006783

Jewellers Since 2003 - Quality Guaranteed

Here is the final confirmation of your recent purchase with us

20 Fine Silver Chains

20 Twin Sets of Alliance Replica Dog Tags, engraved as per your specifications

20 Silver Plate Picture Frames

Balance Paid in Full

Thank you for choosing us for your jewelery needs.

T. Hughes.

**ALLIANCE REQUISITION ORDER ****8093040**

From: LCDR SHEPARD, J.

Dispatch Location: KCH London

Item(s): 20 x Supply Item FIELD-62-R-564: STANDARD RATION PACK - 20 x Supply Item FIELD-41-M-001: STANDARD FIELD MEDICAL PACK *NO MEDIGEL* - 20 x Supply Item PERS-01-001: STANDARD ALLIANCE BACKPACK

-REQUEST APPROVED. AUTH: R.O. 207

***END OF ATTACHMENT***

UPDATE: LCDR SHEPARD, J. has been located within the hospital. Further details to follow.

UPDATE: LCDR SHEPARD, J. has been traced to KCH's Paediatric Oncology ward. He apparently arrived wearing dress blues and proceeded to tell the twenty children on the ward that they had been chosen as early SPECTRE candidates. He presented each child with their own armor, toy guns, SPECTRE badges, dog tags, 'military essentials', Alliance standard backpacks and framed personalised certificates (apparently made by Shepard using stolen office supplies). The staff were surprised to learn that Shepard hadn't been cleared to leave his room, as they had been assured by him that he had, however they report that they haven't seen the children, all of whom are suffering various stages of cancer, this happy before.

UPDATE: The children are forming a barricade around LCDR SHEPARD, J., stating they are SPECTREs and will not allow Alliance Security to return him to his room.

UPDATE: Alliance Security personnel at the scene have apparently been forced to partake in a role play game with the children. LCDR SHEPARD, J. invoked his SPECTRE authority and told them if they don't pretend to be husks he will remove their genitals. Cannot be charged with 21-78 [THREATENING OR INTIMIDATING AN ALLIANCE SECURITY OFFICER] due to aforementioned SPECTRE status.

UPDATE: After one hour of forced role play, Alliance Security have returned LCDR SHEPARD, J. to his room.

CASE STATUS: Closed, Resolved.


	23. Chapter 23

**Alliance Security Log 36902.E-71**

Missing Person Report

Kings College Hospital, London [KCH London]

CPT FLUFFLING, H. has been reported missing from KCH London by LCDR SHEPARD, J.. Last confirmed contact with CPT FLUFFLING, H. was with LCDR SHEPARD, J. at approximately 23.00 yesterday (13 hours ago). A description of CPT FLUFFLING from his Alliance Service Record, detailed below, is being released to all Alliance Security Officers.

**EXCERPT OF SERVICE RECORD**

**NOTICE: This Personnel File has been flagged.**

** Flagged for REASON 002 -INCOMPLETE OR INCORRECT INFORMATION. In addition REASON 011 -POSSIBLE FALSIFICATION OF RECORDS.**

IDENTIFICATION NO.: 1004727P-4Z

NAME: FLUFFLING, H.

CLASSIFICATION: N-7  
SINCE: 2185-07-12

DIVISION: ALLIANCE NAVY

RANK: CAPTAIN  
SINCE: 2185-07-12

COMBAT CLASS: VANGUARD

CURRENT POSTING: NONE

**IDENTIFICATION DETAILS:**

SPECIES: -ERROR-INVALID INFORMATION-

GENDER (if applicable): MALE

HEIGHT: -ERROR-INVALID INFORMATION-

RACE (if applicable): WHITE CAUCASIAN

HAIR COLOUR (if applicable): BLONDE

EYE COLOUR: BROWN

**SERVICE HISTORY**

2186: SSV NORMANDY SR-2

2185: ALLIANCE VANCOUVER HEADQUARTERS \ GUARD DETAIL TO PRISONER 45A/RET-4 [LCDR SHEPARD, J.]

DATE OF ENLISTMENT: 2185-07-12

**SERVICE COMMENDATIONS**

STAR OF TERRA

GALACTIC UNIT CITATION [SSV NORMANDY SR-2]

STAR OF PLATINUM

REAPER WAR SERVICE MEDAL

BATTLE FOR EARTH SERVICE MEDAL

PARLIAMENTARY COMMENDATION FOR EXEMPLARY SERVICE

HONOURABLE COMMAND CITATION

PALLADIUM STAR

DISTINGUISHED SERVICE MEDAL

GOLD HEART

DISTINGUISHED OFFICER'S STAR

SILVER STAR

OFFICER OF MERIT

MILITARY CROSS

PARLIAMENTARY COMMENDATION FOR BRAVERY

PARLIAMENTARY COMMENDATION FOR COURAGE

N7 STATUS ACHIEVED 2185-07-12

N6 STATUS ACHIEVED 2185-07-12

N5 STATUS ACHIEVED 2185-07-12

N4 STATUS ACHIEVED 2185-07-12

N3 STATUS ACHIEVED 2185-07-12

N2 STATUS ACHIEVED 2185-07-12

N1 STATUS ACHIEVED 2185-07-12

SELECTED FOR N-SERIES TRAINING 2185-07-12

**COMMENDATIONS RECEIVED FROM CITADEL COUNCIL / COUNCIL**** RACES**

All awards marked with * are awaiting verification

SILVER DAGGER* - SALARIAN UNION

STAR OF SUR'KESH* - SALARIAN UNION

NOVA CLUSTER* - TURIAN HIERARCHY

TREBIA AWARD* - TURIAN HIERARCHY

THESSIAN SUN* - ASARI REPUBLICS

DECLARATION OF ILLUMINATION FOR A SOUL OF GREAT HONOUR AMONG THE WATERS OF THE GALAXY WHICH SWELL AND SURGE LIKE A MYSTIC WIND THROUGH THE TREMORS OF EXISTENCE DURING A TIME OF DARKNESS AMONG THE LIGHT OF THE COURAGE OF THE SUNS IN OUR PATH* - CONGREGATION OF THE ILLUMINATED PRIMACY

HEART OF RANNOCH* - QUARIAN ADMIRALTY BOARD

**NOTIFICATIONS HONOURING SERVICE RECEIVED FROM:**

QUARIAN ADMIRALTY BOARD* [Re: Battle for Rannoch]

GETH CONCENCUS* [Re: Battle for Rannoch]

TURIAN HIERARCHY* [Re: Battle for Palaven]

TURIAN HIERARCHY* [Re: Rescue of Primarch Victus]

KROGAN CLAN URDNOT* [Re: Battle for Tuchanka]

ASARI REPUBLICS* [Re: Liberation of Thessia]

CONGREGATION OF THE ILLUMINATED PRIMACY* [Re: Extraction of the last Prothean]

**END OF SERVICE RECORD EXCERPT**

UPDATE: Due to CPT. FLUFFLING, H.'s outstanding service record, this case has been given a higher priority. Twenty Alliance Security Officers [ASO's] have been assigned specifically to the case.

UPDATE: It has now been approximately fifteen hours since since last confirmed contact. Still no indication of CPT FLUFFLING, H.'s whereabouts. Alliance Security Canine Tracking Division are being deployed.

UPDATE: Delay in deployment of ASCTD. No personal property of CPT FLUFFLING, H.'s can be found due to no clear information of his current address. Contact to be made with LCDR SHEPARD, J. to determine if he can assist in discovering address.

UPDATE: Contact made with LCDR SHEPARD, J.. Shepard has informed Alliance Security Officers that CPT FLUFFLING, H. lives with him. Hospital deny this and state that Shepard resides in his hospital room alone.

UPDATE: LCDR SHEPARD, J. is being purposefully uncooperative. When asked if he is in possession of any clothing articles belonging to CPT FLUFFLING, H. he responded that Fluffling does not wear clothing.

CASE RECLASSIFIED: FALSE REPORT

UPDATE: Upon further investigation, it has been discerned that CPT FLUFFLING, H. is not the well decorated war hero that LCDR SHEPARD, J. has led us to believe, but rather that he is Shepard's pet hamster.

UPDATE: Alliance Security Database scans show that CPT FLUFFLING, H.'s service record was falsified by LCDR SHEPARD, J. approximately two weeks ago while hacking into the Alliance Security Database.

UPDATE: LCDR SHEPARD, J. is being investigated for 29-01 FILING A FALSE REPORT, 03-11 HACKING ALLIANCE SECURITY DATABASE and 03-20 FALSIFICATION OF ALLIANCE MILITARY RECORDS.

CASE STATUS: Closed, Resolved

**EXTRANET MESSAGE**

From: LAWSON, M.

To: SHEPARD, J.

Subj: Project Vindication Update

Fortunately as EDI's drives were left mainly intact after the Crucible detonated, the project is coming along much faster than I had anticipated. Although we still have a long way to go, we will soon be ready to turn EDI back on for the first time. As you're the one funding the project, I feel it's only right that you get to be the first to talk to her; we can do this over the extranet. Be ready at 10.00 hours on Tuesday morning. This will be...interesting.

On a side note, please stop forwarding me all those adverts for ShepTube. It would be more likely to give me terrifying nightmares than 'Rock my galaxy the way only a Spectre can' or 'Blow my mind out of my Omega-4 Relay'.

Miranda


End file.
